Hippy Snotter and the philosopher's pizza
by lozza1989
Summary: Boy wizard,Hippy snotter finds out about a magical pizza,rated t for slight rudeness and naughty language. No Flames please,thankyou. Completed.Reviews accepted but not flames.
1. Chapter 1

Hippy snotter and the philosopher's pizza

**CHARACTERS**

**HIPPY SNOTTER-THE MAIN CHARACTER WHO LOVES PARTYING AND PIZZA**

**PROFFESOR BUMBLEBORE-THE HEADMASTER OF BOGWARTS,HE IS VERY OLD AND THIN**

**PROFFESOR MINNY MOUSE-THE DEPUTY HEAD WHO IS HAVING A SECRET AFFAIR WITH BUMBLEBORE**

**RIBENA HIRBIRD-A HAIRY GIANT WHO NICKS STUFF**

**DON SNEASLEY-HIPPY'S BEST FRIEND WHO IS PRETTY DUMB**

**HERMONINNY GREENGARAGE-THE BOFFIN WHO IS SNOBBY**

**DRUNGER MIFFY-THE EVIL BOY **

**LORD VOLDDUMBSHIT-THE SUPER SCARY VILLIAN**

**UNCLE VINCY WINCY DUNGLYNESS-HIPPY'S VERY FAT UNCLE**

**AUNT LESBIANPOLLY DUNGLYNESS-HIPPY'S VERY THIN AUNT**

**DASTARDLY DIGGINS DUNGLYNESS-HIPPY'S VERY FAT COUSIN**

**HEADLESS NICK-A GHOST THAT LIVES IN BOGWARTS**

**PROFFESOR QUEERALL-THE WEIRD TEACHER WHO WEARS A VERY BIG PURPLE TURBAN**

**MADWOMAN POOCH-A TEACHER AT BOGWARTS,SHES NOT IMPORTANT**

**NOW TO THE MAIN STORY**

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It was a very dark and stormy night in private giggins soilder of the war in germany drive. A very old and thin man came walking into view and was looking extremely pissed off.

"Bloody weather. If i could control the weather i could change it,wait a minute i'm a wizard and i will change the weather.axerydy bastardly,change this goddamn weather"and the rain quickly changed to a hot summer night and the beach was burning.

The old man,who's name was proffessor Bumblebore was one thousand years old. Unfortunatly,Bumblebore's first name was actually Proffesor because when he was born,his parents couldn't be arsed to give him a decent name so they just named him proffesor. The very old man felt something on his leg. He looked down and saw a tabby cat humping his leg.

"Arrrghhhhhhhhh get off me you godamn animal" he shrieked. The cat let go and changed into a very strict looking woman.

"Oh Proffesor Minny Mouse,i had no idea it was you. I do apologize" Bumblebore said in embarassament. Professer Minny Mouse walked away with her nose up in the air.

"I hope you haven't told anyone about our secret affair" she said stiffly.

"No,i haven't. I want to keep it a secret just as much as you" he explained looking round to make sure that no one was listening.

" Good,so i suppose you know all about what's happened to the snotters" Minny mouse said evenly with her nose still stuck in the air.

"Hell no,i was far too busy getting pissed up to notice" he bellowed waving a vodka botle in front off her face. She grabbed it and slung it aside.

"You bitch" he said in utter shock "that was the best godamn vodka i ever had".

"Will you forget about your fricken vodka" she shrieked "the snotters have been killed by you-know-his-name-so-well" she whispered not wanting to wake the neighbourhood up.

"Who the crap is you-know-his-name-so-well?" Bumblebore demanded to know.

"Voldumbshit,the most evil wizard in the world" she said in a sinister vocie. Thunder began clappin,doom music was playing and frightened children could be heard wailing in fear.

"Oh right. I thought he was dead. I read in the newspaper the other day that he got ran over by a bus" he uttered in shock.

"But that wasn't Volddumbshit,that was a muggle with a slaphead. You've been reading a muggle's newspaper" she shrieked. Bumblebore slapped his head in shame.

"Oops my bad" he tookout a lighter and a cigarette.

"I thought you said you were gonna stop smocking" she screamed snatching the fag and lighter from his hand.

"Godammit woman,stop trying to spoil my fun" he yelled back.Professer Minny mouse slapped him hard on the face.

"If we can get back to the subject. Voldumbshit, went to the snotters. He broke into their house and killed them both by stuffing them in the freezer. And heres the worst it. He actually tried to kill thier baby son Hippy by flushing him down the toilet but somehow Hippy blew up the toilet,so Volddumbshit got scared and ranaway so now Hippy's going to live with a family known as the dunglyness family and they are pure evil" she finished with a smug look on her face. Bumblebore looked at her gobsmacked.

"So who's bringing him here then you sexy bitch". He growled and moved his eyesbrows up and down.

"Ribena Hirbird" she explained.

"You are not serious. He's a giant and he could eat the kid alive" Bumblebore shrieked but Miny mouse slapped him again.

"He's only half ginat you nitwit. Oh shit,he's arrived". They watched as a Tractor cmae driving into view,astride it was a big man with wild black hair.

"Yo Bumblebore,Minny Mouse" the man said happily climbing down from the tractor clutching a bundle that stank of piss and shit.

"Oh Ribena,where did you get that ugly thing?" Minny mpuse demnaded in disguist nodding at the Tractor.

"Oh that,i nicked it just after i found Hippy. Poor kid was covered in piss and shit, not surprised after Volddumbshit tried stuffing him down the toilet". Bumbledore and Minny Mouse quickly applied peggs to their noses because of the awful stench that was coming from the baby,plus to make matters worst,he took a shit in his nappy.

"I am not changing that" Minny Mouse said in disguist. The Boy had a scar on his forehead which looked like the letter z.

"He got hit in the face by a piece of the toilet when it exsploded" Ribena Explained "i fear he will have it forever,that toilet was cursed".

Bumblebore tossed the baby on the doorstep but it wasn't hurt because it bounced safetly.

"I bid you farewell Hippy Snotter. May you find a good girlfriend that will love you and have sex with you" and with that Bumblebore,Minny Mouse and Ribena all vanished. Baby Hippy slept peacefully unaware of the abuse he'll be suffering for the rest of his life and the viloint car chase that was taking place.

**SO WHAT DO YOU THINK,WELLTHIS IS ONLY THE BEGGINING BUT I PROMISE YOU THAT THERE WILL BE MORE MUHAHAHAHAHAHA.IF YOU FIND IT AMUSING THEN PLEASE LEAVE A REVIEW BUT IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT THEN YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE A REVIEW.I MUST ADVISE THAT IF THERE IS GOING TO BE ANY REVIEWS THEN PLEASE DON'T PUT IN ANY FLAMES BECAUSE I CAN'T STAND THEM. CHAPTER TWO WILL BE UP SOON. UNTIL THEN HOPE YOU ENJOY THE STORY SO FAR.**


	2. A not so nice day out

A not so nice day out.

For the next ten years,Hippy Snotter was suffering all kinds of abuse from his relatives,The Dunglyness. Uncle Vincy wincy Dunglyness was the fattest man in the world and he even got in the world record books for it, his Aunt,Lesbianpolly Dunglyness used to be a lesbian in her teens but grew out of it when she got married to Vincy Wincy,but she still kept her nickname,Lesbianpolly as she liked it and she said it reminded her of her teenage years. There was also Hippy's cousin Dastardly Digins who was also fat.

Right at this moment he was fast asleep in the bath (They made him sleep in the bathtub,as they couldn't be arsed to buy him a proper bed) surounded by a dozen empty pizza boxes that he secretly ordered when the Dunglyness had gone to bed and he was dreaming about a tractor with some hairy geezer he knew nothing being drove through his street. Soon the most enjoyable dream he was having was interupted by the loud banging on the bathroom door.

"Wake up shithead" Lesbianpolly's voice called from outside. Hippy yawned and clambered out of the bathtub,tossing the empty pizza boxes out off the window.

"ARE YOU UP YET?" she shrieked pounding on the door.

"Hold your horse,Bitch" he shouted back. He opened the door and Lesbianpolly was attempted to choke him.

"Go down stairs and make the breakfast you ungreatfull little shit" she hissed in his face. Hippy pulled himself off and went down the stairs with Lesbianpolly chucking peanuts at his head.

Vincy Wincy and Dastardly Diggins were already up. Both of them were sat at the kitchen table and their chairs looked as though they were about to collaspe from beneath them due to their heavy weight.

"Cook the breakfast shitface" Dastardly Diggins ordered "i want everything perfect on my birthday because i'm a spoilt little brat". Hippy said a very offensive swear word under his breath and began frying a large amount of breakfast just as Lesbianpolly came sauntering in.

"Morning my big fat lover" she said kissing her Husband on the cheek "and my very fat son who is spoilt brat".

"So how was that nice little shag of ours we had last night?" Vincy Wincy asked touching her arse.Hippy couldn't help but overhearing what his Uncle had said.

"Gross. I'm surprised you didn't squish her you great fat slob" he replied. Vincy Wincy roared and tossed a glass bowl at Hippy who quickly had to duck.

"HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME IN MY OWN HOUSE YOU LITTLE SHIT" he roared,unaware that his chair had finally collasped from beneath him.Lesbianpolly came up to Hippy and whacked him over the head with a flyswat.

After breakfast,everybody was getting in the car because they were going to the Zoo. Hippy was tied up, gagged and placed in the boot but they left it open a little so he could breath. When they arrived at the zoo, Hippy was untied but was still suffering abuse because Vincy Wincy had dragged him aside to spit in his face.

"I'm warning you now boy,if you ever insult me whilst on our day out, i swear right down to my arse i will lock you in that bathroom forever". Hippy was having the worst day of his life, he was forced to eat a big chocolate icecream sundae even though the Dunglyness knew he was allergic to dairy products. His face turned into a tomatoe and he quickly had to adminsiter an anti-tomatoe face drug to turn it back to normal.

After that, Dastardly Diggins demanded that they go to the reptile house.

"It's my Birthday and do as i say" he ordered maddly. The reptile house was full of all sorts of killer reptiles to car crushing anacondas to man eating pythons. Dastardly diggins was growing bored of the hornycobra who was getting it on with a tree serpernt.

"Boring" he yawned " i wanna see something that's a killer".Hippy found his chance to escape when they were distracted by a king sized lizard who was eating a member of staff alive. He walked to a giant Python who was snoozing lazily. It woke up after about two minutes and looked at Hippy who grew scared.

Meanwhile Dastardly diggins was holding an Ananconda which was trying to crush him to death but was unable to succeed as Dastardly diggins was so fat.

"Hey where's that shithead gone?" Lesbianpolly asked noticing that Hippy had gone.

"Mission:Search for the shithead" Ordered Vincy Wincy. Meanwhile Hippy was sat in the glass tank with the Python drinking Red bull and having a conversation with the python who was amazingly friendly.

"So you arn't going to eat me then?" he asked taking another sip from the Red bull.

"Hell no" replied the Python " i only feast on fat humans,they fill me up more. Like that one". Hippy looked and saw Dastardly diggin's fat face pressed against the glass.

"MOM,DAD I'VE FOUND THE SHITHEAD" he yelled. Hippy quickly tossed the Red bull can out of sight when Vincy Wincy and lesbianpolly came running in.

"BOY GET OUTTA THERE NOW" bellowed Vincy wincy. The Python was looking at Dastardly diggins hungrily when the glass suddenly vanished and Dastardly diggins fell in.

"Oh yum yum,fatty meal" it hissed. Dastardly Diggins wailed as the python swallowed him whole. Hippy clambered out of the tank as Lesbianpolly fainted and Vincy Wincy was yelling at a member of staff to do something.

The Python was drugged and then cut open to retrieve Dastardly Diggins who was in a huge amount of shock that he said nothing.when they got home,Vincy wincy tossed Hippy into the bathtub and then locked the door.

"And i don't want to here another sound from that shithole on your face" before thundering downstairs. Hippy curled up into a ball and muttered pitfully under his breath.

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**WELL THAT'S CHAPTER TWO UP. CHAPTER THREE WILL BE UP AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.IF YOU READ THIS STORY FOR THE FIRST TIME AND LIKE IT THEN YOU CAN LEAVE A REVIEW IF YOU WANT. BYE BYE THEN FELLOW READERS.**


	3. The letters from some guy or woman

The letters from someguy (or woman)

Hippy was let out of the bathroom two days later but the Dunglyness was still not forgetting about what hapened at the zoo. Dastardly Diggins hadn't moved for the last two days as he was the one who was most in shock.

"Hi Dastardly Diggins,how are you today?" Hippy asked waving his hand in front of Dastardly Diggin's face which was staring straight ahead.

"Fine,i am very good today,bugger off now" he said in monotone. Hippy shrugged and walked into Vincy Wincy.

"Watch where you're going,queer boy" he snarled making Hippy cower from beneath him.Vincy Wincy turned one the tv and flicked straight to the porno channels.

"Horny bastard" Hippy muttered under his breath as he walked out of the living room and into the kitchen were Lesbianpolly was preparing lunch.

"Don't touch the potatoes you filthy little mere" she snarled when Hippy who was hungry went for one of the potatoes.

"So sorry Lesbianpolly but i am so hungry" he said pitfully. Lesbianpolly cursed under her breath and gave Hippy one piece of bread from out of the breadbin.

"Get that eaten Nancyboy" she growled shoving Hippy out of the kitchen. He looked at the slice of bread pitfully and just shoved it in his mouth.He walked back into the living room where Vincy Wincy was still watching the porno channels and Dastardly Diggins was still staring straigh ahead muttering random and stupid things. Hippy sat on the floor and innocently began twiddling his thumbs avoiding to be told off.

"Post's here" Lesbianpolly called from the kitchen.

"Get the post Shitty gayboy" Vincy Wincy said to Hippy not taking his eyes of the tv.

"Get it yourself you fat lazy oaf" Hippy said cheekily. Vincy Wincy's fist clenched and huge amounts of sweat was dripping from his face which made a huge puddle on the floor but his eyes were still fixed on the tv.

"I want to hurt you so much but right now i'm enjoying watching these sexy strippers,now get the post" he ordered.Hippy shrugged and got to his feet to retrieve the post. There were three letters:

1.A subscription letter to the magazine Porno monthly which was sent by Vincy Wincy but obviously sent back

2. a post card from Vincy Wincy's sister Incy Wincy

And 3. A letter for Hippy himselve. He looked at the address which said.

To Hippy Snotter number 666,Private Giggins soilder of the war in germany drive

The Bathroom on the right hand side of the upstairs landing

Home to the pure evil shitters who follow the path of doom to were the Fox Shits. (except Hippy)

"Hurry up with the letters Gayboy" Vincy Wincy yelled. Hippy picked up the letters and walked straight back into the living room. He gave the first two letters to Vincy Wincy but kept his own.

"Oh shit,i don't believe it" Snarled Vincy Wincy as he opened the first letter.

"What is it sex god" Lesbianpolly called from the kitchen.

"They fricken won't let me subscribe to Porno Monthly as they say that i am a fat bastard who needs to get a job besides slobering all over sexy woman who walk around with no clothes on" he snarled tossing the letter into the fire place.

"Never mind" Lesbianpolly soothed as she took the post card from Vincy Wincy's fat sweaty hand.

"Oh dear it's your sister Incy Wincy, she said that she climbed up a a water spout but down came the rain and washed her out but the sun came out and dried up all the rain so she climbed up the water spout agan" she read.

"Ahhhhhhh good old Incy Wincy" Said Vincy Wincy fruitly.

"I reckon she's abit nuts" Suggested hippy.

"Who asked you to butt in,and what is that your holding in your hands?" Growled Lesbianpolly snatching the letter Hippy was clutching. she examined it and looked utterly shocked.

"Vincy Wincy,i think you better have a look at this" she whispered handing the letter to Vincy Wincy. He looked at it and his eyes nearly popped out of his fat head.

"Hippy,Dastardly Diggins get out now" ordered Lesbianpolly to the two boys.

"But i want my letter" Demanded Hippy.

"I said get out" Snapped Lesbianpolly as she lifted Dastardly Diggins to his feet who was drooling now. Hippy and Dastardly Diggins were forced to wait in the kitchen as Lesbianpolly slammed the door shut in their faces. Hippy pressed his ear agaisnt the door to listen as Dastardly Diggins still stood staring into space with huge amounts of drool dripping from his mouth as he was in so much shock he forgot to swallow his spit.

"How do they know where he sleeps?" Asked Lesbianpolly in fear.

"NEVER MIND THAT BITCH,THEY SAY THAT WERE PURE EVIL SHITTERS WHO FOLLOW THE PATH OF DOOM TO WERE THE FOX SHITS" Bellowed Vincy Wincy. Lesbianpolly burst into tears at that point.

"But we can't tell the boys,i don't want Hippy shitty finding out especially" she sobbed. At that point Vincy Wincy grew calmer and embraced her in a hug.

"There there my sweet,he won't find out. We'll burn the godamn letter. Now let's kiss" and he made a pass at Lesbianpolly whilst tossing the letter into the fire. Both Hippy and Dastardly Diggins were told to wait outside abit longer. Dastardly Diggins still stood there like a retard and Hippy still had his ears pressed agaisnt the door listening to Vincy Wincy and Lesbinapolly making out.

For the next few days more letters for Hippy were arriving and they still had the same address. When the one thousanth letter came, Vincy Wincy was at the end of his tether.

"THAT IS IT,WE ARE MOVING OUT AND I DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHAT ANY ONE THINKS" Dastardly Diggins who was now back to normal simplied replied "Oh crap".

Seven hours later,Hippy and The Dunglyness were all sat in a one room hut that was perched on a cliff in the middle of nowhere and they all singing an Eminem song.

"Shake that ass for me,shake that ass for me,come on girl,shake that ass for me,shake that ass for me". Hippy didn't enjoy singing the song much but he was forced to so he had no choice. After a while the whole lot of them had gone to bed. Vincy Wincy and Lesbianpolly got the motheaten double bed in the corner and Dastardly Diggins got the moth eaten sofa that was placed furthr up the room. Poor Hippy was forced to sleep on the floor and he was finding it hard to sleep because 1.the floor was dirty and infested with dead spiders and 2,Vincy Wincy and Lesbianpolly were making out again. He looked at Dastardly Diggins watch to see how long it was until Midnight as he was going to be Eleven in a few minutes time.

When she watch struck twelve,Hippy began singing happy birthday to himself but was soon interupted by a huge bang on the door.


	4. Hippy meets Ribena Hirbird

Hippy meets Ribena Hirbird

BANG BANG BANG.Hippy hid behind the fireplace,BANG BANG BANG,Vincy Wincy and Lesbianpolly stopped making out and were now scared of what was about to bash through the door and Dastardly Diggins didn't notice because he was now under the covers sniffing weed.

CRASH,the door flew open and a big hairy person came walking in. Lesbianpolly fainted and Vincy Wincy got out a pistol. Dastardly Diggins was too high to notice what was going on.

"I reckon you should put that away Vincy Wincy,you could cause some damage" ordered the hairy Giant.Vincy Wincy growled and tossed the pistol out of sight.

"WHAT THE CRAP ARE YOU DOING HERE,GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE"Bellowed Vincy Wincy. The Giant didn't seem to be scared of him.

"I suggest you watch your language you great fat oaf,now tell me were Hippy is" he barked.Hippy finally came out of his hiding place to introduce himself.

"I'm Hippy" he said walking towards the big hairy man.

"Ah there you are" The giant said jollily slapping Hippy hard on the back.Vincy Wincy grabbed hold of Hippy and pulled him away from the Giant.

"You don't talk to the little shitter,now get out before i shove that pistol up your fat arse" he snarled.

"You can talk you great fat loser" replied Hippy. Vincy Wincy slapped him hard round the head.

"Don't say one word" he snarled. The Giant had just had enough of Vincy Wincy. He gave him a bag of cocaine to sniff.

"Whoooooooooo this is the best godamn stuff ever" he said before passing out.

"Phew now i can have a nice old chat with you Hippy" said the Giant taking Hippy to one side. It was very unlikely they were going to be interupted because Vincy Wincy has passed out from sniffing the cocaine,Lesbianpolly was still out cold and Dastardly Diggins was too busy getting stoned to notice that there was a giant in the room.

"So what have you come to tell me then?" Hippy asked curiously " and who the hell are you?".

"I'm Ribena Hirbird but you can call me Hirbird if you want" he offered his large Hnad to Hippy's who nervously took it.

"Erm,pleased to meet you Hirbird" he said nervously. "So what have you come to tell me?".Hirbird sighed as he prepared to tell Hippy the whole truth about him.

"You're a wizard Hippy Snoter" he admitted.Hippy's eyes nearly popped out his head and he fell face first into a pile of dead spiders.

"I'm cough,a,cough,what?" he spluttered,spraying dead spiders everywhere.

"A wizard and a godamn good one too" Hirbird said proudly. Hippy couldn't believe what he was nearing.

"But i can't be a wizard,i'm Just Hippy the nerd boy who is allergic to dairy products and suffers all sorts of abuse from people,how the hell am i a wizard?" he asked in utter shock.

"Guess those godamn relatives of yours didn't say anything to you" Hirbird said pitfully.

"Well i once asked how my parents died" Hippy replied shrugging his shoulders.

"What did they say to you?" Hirbird demanded to know. Hippy licked his teeth as he tried to remember what Lesbainpolly had told him when he asked how his parents died five years ago.

"Well erm,Aunt Lesbianpolly said that they took drugs and one day they were going for a drive,whilst sniffing weed they crashed the car and died instantly" he siad simply.At that point Hirbird let out

"YOUR PARENTS DIDN'T DIE IN A CAR CRASH AND THEY WERN'T DRUG DEALERS EITHER" he roared so loud that Hippy had to cover his ears.

"Alright,well you tell me the whole story. Go on i've got plenty of time so you might as well tell me" Hippy demanded furioulsy. Hirbird sighed as he prepared to tell Hippy the whole stroy.

"Well,your parents were very nice and caring people,they never got drunk or took drugs and they loved you so much. Well,when you were one year old a very evil wizard named Volddumbshit came to your house and was attempting to kill your parents".

"How did he do it?" Hippy butted in.

"I'm going to tell you know,anyway Volddumbshit went into your house and he attacked your dad whilst your mum ran to hide in the pantry. After hving a fight with your dad he got him,took of his clothes leaving him in his underwear and then stuffed him in the freezer and then he did the same to your mum. I think he was trying to make out they were shagging in the freezer and foze to death".

"Gross" Hippy replied "so what happened after that?".

"Well" Hirbird continued" Volddumbshit found you hiding in the pantry. So he grabbed hold of you,took you to the bathroom and tried flushing you down the toilet but you made the toilet exslode,Volddumbshit got scared,ran away and you survived with just that scar on your forehead which looks like he letter z".

"How the hell did i get this crappy scar anyway?" Hippy asked.

"Well when the toilet exsploded,a piece of it hit you on the forehead" Hirbird explained. Hipy was now satisfied but still couldn't firgure out why Hirbird was here.

" So why are you here,have you come to take me somewhere?". Hirbird let out a chuckle.

"Oh yes i am. You have been accepted at the most famou wizarding school in England. Bogwarts" Replied Hirbird.

"Way-hey,when can we go?" Hippy said jumping up and down.

"We'll go right now,now get your coat" Ordered Hirbird. Hippy giggled with glee and followed Hirbird out of the hut just as Lesbianpolly was begining to come round.


	5. Drugness ally

Drugness ally

Hippy was finding he liked Hirbird very much,he had saved him from getting further abuse from the Dunglyness and he was going to a wizard school.

"So what is it like at this Bogwarts place?" asked Hippy with excitment.

"Oh it's great. I reckon you'll love it" replied Hirbird as he lit up a cigarrette.He and Hippy walked through the streets to the underground.

"So where are we heading anyway?" Hippy asked as he trotted alongside Hirbird.

"We need to go to london to get your school stuff" exclaimed Hirbird. When they reached the underground,They both found out that it was filled with junkies and drunk people.

"Don't draw attention to yourself,these people can get pretty rough" warned Hirbird. Hippy placed his hands in his pockets and walked casually beside Hirbird avoiding eyecontact with the junkies. Hippy had to buy the tickets because Hirbird didn't know how to use muggle money.

"So how do you know where they sell the items i'll need in London?" Hippy asked as they boarded the Train and walked passed a toilet were a couple were having sex.

"You'll find out when we get there" replied Hirbird as he sat on a little old lady and squished her to death. Hippy sat on the seat opposite Hirbird and they had a conversation.

"So what's the only thing you've ever wanted in you whole life?" Asked Hippy as he picked up a magazine.

"Well the only thing i've ever wanted is a good hard shag" said Hirbird. Hippy looked at him gone out.

"You are not bloody serious" Replied Hippy still looking at Hirbird gone out.

"No i am. I'd give anything for a good old shaggin and one day i will once i find myself some drunken slut at the pub". Hippy shuddered at the thought and stuck his head in the magazine and didn't say one word for the rest of the journey.

London was a busy and big place plus alot of people were running around like crazy.

"I'd be careful if i were you" Hirbird warned " Some london people can be pretty ignorant".

"But not all of them?" Asked Hippy hopefully.

"No,some Londoners can be alright" Chuckled Hirbird as they entered a dingy looking pub.

"Hirbird,i thought we were suposed to be getting my school stuff,not going into pubs and getting pissed" retailiated Hippy. Hirbird chuckled and patted him on the back.

"Don't worry we won't be getting pissed up". Hippy sighed with relief just as a guy in a very large purple turban came bounding towards them.

"Hello Hirbird tee hee hee,you look fine" he giggled.

"Oh look it's Aladdin" said Hippy sarcasticly.

"Be nice Hippy,this is Proffesor Queerall,he's the defence agaisnt the dark side of sex teacher at Bogwarts" Said Hirbird.

"And you must be Hippy Snotter cackle. I have heard so much about you titter". Hippy couldn't help but stare as Queerall burst into tears and collasped to the floor.

"Is he ok?" hippy asked as Hirbird led him out back.

"No.he's a nutter. Born with w.d wich stands for weirdness disease. Poor bloke,everyone fears he'll never be like a normal person ever". They walked into a slightly small back yard which smelled strongly of weed and booze.

"Why the Hell are we standing in here anyway. i thought we gonna buy my SCHOOL STUFF"Hippy bellowed. Hirbird grabbed him by the shoulders to calm him down.

"Be patient young one,we will get your school stuff". And het ook out a ciggy and put it out on the wall in front. Hippy watched as the wall in front of them burst into flame and revealed what looked like another town.

"Welcome Hippy Snotter to drugness ally" Said Hirbird proudly.Drugness all was true to it's nmae because alot of people were stoned as hell. Hippy was feeling uncomfortable with the people around him.

"So how are we going to buy my school stuff, i'm poor as fuck" Commented Hippy.

"Don't you worry,your money is save in the bank" Hirbird said pointing to a big building front of them that was covered in grafiti. The pair of them walked towards it and Hippy couldn't help but staring at a gang of boys his one age getting high on weed.

"Here we are Hippy" Hirbird said as they opened the door. As Hippy walked in,he noticed that there were strange looking creatures staggering about.

"Watch yourself here,this place is run by drunken Goblins. All they intent to do is drink and get drunk twentyfour seven" Explained Hirbird. He and Hippy approached the front desk where a goblin was slumped over obviously drunk.

"Ahem" said Hirbird. The Goblin didn't answer.

"Ahem" Repeated Hirbird but the Goblin still lay slumbed over the desk with an empty vodka bottle in his hand. Hirbird sighed and whacked the Goblin over the head with a piece of parchment.

"Get up you drunken so and so" ordered Hirbird as the Goblin woke up and looked at the two humans infront of him.

"W-what do you waaaaaaannnnnnnnttttttttttttttttt?" he asked In a drunken tone.

"Young Hippy Snotter here wants to get some money out so he can buy his school stuff for bogwarts" Explained Hirbird. The Drunken goblin leaned over the desk to get a better look at hippy.

"Of hic course. Goober will take you down hic to hic the vaults hic" and with that he passed out,dropping the empty Vodka bottle on the floor.

Goober the Goblin was complety off his head. When the four of them went underneath the bank on a runaway mine train he was continuesly laughing and saying daft things.

"I feel pretty,oh so pretty,i feel pretty and witty and gaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy bleurgh". Goober was sick all over Hippy's shoes and Hippy was sick over the side as the cart was going so fast.

"Gooooooooo to the vault where the kitten is tortured by night and the parrot is raped by the wolfman" said the very drunk Goblin. Hirbird and Hippy easily found the

Vault because it read the exact same message Goober had said. Hirbird opened the vault to reveal a very frightened and tortuted kitten and a parrot getting raped by the wolfman but apart from all that there was stacks loads of money for Hippy. His eyes widen as he saw the amount of dosh he had.

"Yay i'm richer than i thought" he bellowed jumping in the pile of money. Hirbird had to pull Hippy out of the vault but took out some money for him because they needed to go to another vault.

"We must now go to the vault where the possum shags the rat and the Billy goat shits" said Goober who was still drunk as they climbed back into the cart. The second vault was muge larger than Hippy's and inside was a Possum having sex with a rat and a Billy goat having a shit plus in the middle was a round package. Hirbird went inside and picked it up.

"Don't mention this to anyone Hippy or else i'll kill you" warned Hirbird.

After they had bought the whole lot of Hippy's school stuff they spend the night in the dingy pub they went earlier.

"That was the best day of my life" hippy yawned as they reached their room.

"I reckon you need to go to bed" Chuckled Hirbird.

"Yeah" Replied Hippy as he climbed into a bed and fell asleep.


	6. The bogwarts express

The bogwarts express

The Dunglyness were extremely pissed off that Hippy was going to a wizarding school they never gave permission for him to go to.

Lesbianpolly was fed up of vincy Wincy and Dastardly Diggins being fat that she told them to get lyposuction or else.

Meanwhile back in London, Hippy was lost in a very big train station trying to find the platform nine and four halves. Hirbird had left him on his own because he was down at the pub getting drunk. Hippy wanted to ask somebody but he knew that Muggles wouldn't know about Platform nine and four halves.He tightened the cage door that held his pet owl Hurdy Gurdy and was just about to give up when he noticed a group of people with proper red hair walking past.

"Every bloody year,packed with muggles. Makes me mad" said a short woman. Hippy felt his heart leap and he walked to the red headed crew.

"Alright pissy,you first" said the woman who was only 4 feet tall. Hippy watched as the first boy who was much taller than his mum run through a wall and disapear. Hippy didn't know wether it happened for real or just some sort of illusion.

"Ok tweedledumb,your next" ordered the very small woman. Hippy watched again as another boy who looked a few years younger than the first boy ran through the wall.

"Ok tweedledee,you go next". The boy who must have been Tweedledumb's twin brother ran through the wall.Hippy finally bucked up the courage to ask the woman for directions.

"Excuse,shorty. But can you tell me how i get on Platform Nine and four halves?" he asked approaching the small woman who was accompinied by her two youngest children, a boy around Hippy's age and a girl who was maybe ten years old.

"Oh your new to Bogwarts too,so is Donald" she said gesturing to her youngest son.

"It's not fair, i want to go" piped up the girl.

"Shut up Whiney,your not old enough" Hissed the woman. At that point Whiney began going crazy and tearing her hair out.Hippy watched in shock as several men in white coats Grabbed hold of the crazy child and bundled her into the back of a van.

"It's back to the mental aslyum with you missy" Said one of the guys in the white coats.

"Realase me you Arseholes" screamed Whiney in an Excorsist style voice. Hippy shuddered as her head spun 360 degress.

"Alright,you go now dear,before Don" Said the woman giving Hippy a push which was so hard he practicly flew through the wall with his trolley. When he managed to get his bearings he looked and saw a train with bright colours and a clown's face stuck on the front. Also on the front was the letters in pure glitter BOGWARTS EXPRESS.Hippy jumped when the clown on the front began to speak.

"Welcome aboard the Bogwarts express where your journey will be filled with fun and laughter" the clown spazzed followed by a crazy clowny laugh.Hippy giggled like a girl as he climbed aboard and he went looking for a compartment. He couldn't help noticing that the driver and crew were also Clowns and where laughing insanly. Hippy was relieved when he found a comparmtent and was now getting excited when it began to move.

"Excuse me,but can i sit with you,I'm scared of clowns". Hippy looked up and saw the boy his age from the station stood tear streaked in the door way of his compartment.

"I bloody suppose so" sighed Hippy. The boy smiled and sat in the seat opposite Hippy.

"I'm Don Snealsey" He said putting out his hand for Hippy to shake " and i'm dirt poor".

"Erm,i'm Hippy snotter" Hippy replied uncomfortably shaking Don's hand.

"So it's all true,you're the one who scared away Lord Volddumbshit by blowing up that toilet when you were one year old" he said rather quickly. Hippy nodded.

"So,why are you scared of clowns then?" asked Hippy trying his best for a decent conversation.

"Well,when i was five i got Kidnapped by one" replied Don uneasily " he wanted me to be his partner at the circus because i could do magic tricks. I was held priosner by the crazy git of a clown for six weeks until the coppers found out. They put him in prison for life and i was reunited with my family.Since then i've been terrified of them becuase i think they're gonna kidnap me". Hippy couldn't help but feel soory for the poor pathetic loser that was sat opposite him.

"That's bad. Did he abuse you?".

"Oh yeah,he forced me to dance in my underpants in front of a whole audience. Tried to feed me to the Lions when i refused tom eat fire and i remember he actually made me wrestle a tiger. But shut up about it,i don't want to talk about now" replied Don.Hippy however wasn't keen to go off the subject.

"What was his name?" he asked.

"Shut up,shut up shut up shut UUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP"bellowed Don. Several small animals died when he did that.

"Sorry mate". A few minutes later a clown with a snacks trolley came up to their compartment.

Arrgggghhhhhhhhhhh save me" yelled Don diving under his seat.

"Would you like some clown based food for your fun filled journey the Bogwarts" Spazzed the clown ignoring Don.

"No thanks i think we'll pass" Replied Hippy looking at Don who was whimpering under the seat.

"Ok then,have a clowny day" and the snacks clown went off down the corridor.

"It's ok Don he's gone now" reassured Hippy. Don nervoulsy came up checking that the spazzy clown wasn't hiding behind a corner.

"Phew i thought i was gonna get abducted by a clown again" he sighed sitting back on his seat. Just then a rather snobby girl with long brown hair appeared at their compartment.

"Excuse me but a boy named Smiley genkins has lost his pet martian,have you seen it anywhere?" she said in a rather snobby way.

"No we haven't you suck up Bitch" replied Hippy. Don tried to hide his snigger but the girl wasn't ammused.

"I suggest you watch your mouth. I wouldn't introduce myself but that would be rude if i didn't. I'm Hermoninny Greengarage and i'm a boffin. I must go now as i've got to sample some of this clown based munchies that are going around" and she sauntered off.

"What a snobby cow" said Don. Hippy agreed. Pretty soon the pair of them became friends and had a clown free conversation all the way to Bogwarts.


	7. The Sorting cap

The sorting cap

Hippy and Don all ganged up with the other first years when they got of the clown infested train. Hermoninny was talking snobbbily to a bunch of other girls and a boy with an afro was wailing something about a Martian.

"First years over here,first years get your arse over here" called a voice Hippy had no trouble recognising. Hirbird came striding up to the gang of First years whith a whisky bottle in his hand.

"Erm Hirbird,have you been drinking?" Hippy asked not taking his eyes of the whisky bottle.Hirbird tossed the whisky bottleo ut of sight.

"Right we better get going then. Come on you little shits,move your arses"He called to the very scared first years. Hippy and Don walked together and continuesly took the piss out of Hermoninny by doing impressions of her.

"Right we will be reaching Bogwarts by swimming across this shit infested lake" bellowed Hirbird. Alot of the first years went "ewwwwwww" and "i'm not swimming in that."

"LISTEN YOU LITTLE SHITBAGS,I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU SO DO AS I SAY" roared Hirbird causing all the first years to cry.

Hirbird was true to his word becuase right now all the helpless first years were swimming across a shit infested lake towards a very sinister looking castle.

"Wow,i wonder if it's Haunted" beamed Don as he accidently swam into a large piece of cow shit.

"Maybe" Hippy replied.The first years were relievedwhen they reached land but the nightmare wasn't over yet because they had to climb up a staircase where the walls were covered in piss.

"Just a few more steps to go" called Hirbird. After climbing one thousand and five steps,they finally reached the top and a door with a head hanging from it. Hirbird did very loud knocks on it and answered it was a very strict looking witch.

"Thankyou Hirbird,i'll take them from here" she said pulling the first years inside and shutting the door in Hirbird's face.

"Hey wait,i wanna go to the feast" Yelled Hirbird banging on the door.

"Oh go drown yourself in the shit infested lake" retailiated the witch. She led the First years up a staircase.

"Hello and welcome to Bogwarts. I am Proffesor Minny Mouse and i will be taking you into the great hall to be sorted into your houses. They are Gillyward,Hufflepuffweedpuff,rapeinglaw and shitering. Now you will wait here" and she strode of. Hippy and Don were continuesly giggling when a boy walked up to the pair.

" So it's true then,what they were saying on the train,Hippy Snotter has come to Bogwarts". Hippy looked at the boy properly. He was a spitting image of Dracula.

"Who are you supposed to be,the son of Dracula?". Don let out a snort.

"No,the names Miffy,Drunger Miffy" said the boy. Don let out a loud snigger.

"What the fuck are you sniggering at,think my name is funny do you? well i have trouble knowing yours. My dad told me that the whole Sneasley family have red hair and are dirt poor. Well i wouldn't go making friends with people like him Snotter. If you be my friend i'll introduce you to the world of beer" and he put out his hand for Hippy to shake.

"No thanks,i make friends with who i want. And i'm not stupid enough to make friends with somebody who looks like a vampire" Hippy repiled.Miffy Growled and looked as though he was about to grow fangs when Minny Mouse came back.

"We're ready for you now,come with me and no trying to have sex with one and other".

When they reached the great hall,confettit and balloons came flying out everywhere with a huge bandana at the front saying WELCOME FIRST YEARS plus the theme tune from the Austin Powers movies began to play when Minny Mouse led the first years to the front. Hippy looked around him and saw that alot of the older students were either getting high or drunk.

"Stop right there now you little shitters" Ordered Minny Mouse "you must put on the sorting cap to reveal what house you must be in". Hippy and Don both exchanged looks of confusion but Hermoninny continued being the snob she is.

"Right i will call your name and you wil come and put the cap on your head whether you bloody like it or not,Hermoninny Greengarage". Hermoninny walked snobbily up to the front and placed the cap on her head.

"Yo i iz da sorting cap, and you iz gonna be in ...Gillyward". The students on the Gillyward table applauded as the snotty nosed bitch,Hermoninny flounced over.

"Drunger Miffy". The Vampire boy was the next to be up.

"Shitering yo" said the cap. Miffy grinned and joined the shitering table. His two cronies Flabbe and Boil were also sorted into Shitering.

"Suzie woozie". A girl with jam jar glasses and a fish imprint on her face was the next to be sorted.

"Hufflepuffweedpuff innit" bellowed the cap. The Fishfaced girl went to her own table where everybody in her house made fun of her and will forever.

"Donald Sneasley". Don nervously made his way to the cap.

"Yo,it's another Sneasley innit,well i know were i iz gonna put yo. Gillyward". Don got the hump because he wasn ow in the same house as Hermoninny and he didn't like her much.

"Hippy snotter". Hippy was the next to be called up,so he walked up to the front and placed the cap on his head.

"Hmmmmmmm i iz not knowing where to put yo,howz about shitering".

"Not shitering,anything but shitering" begged Hippy.

"Listen here you little retard,you iz going were i iz telling yo to go. Now get to Shitering before i rape you" whispered the hat.

"Put me in Shitering and i'll rape you twice and then shove you up my arse" Hippy hissed. The hat was more scared than Hippy was.

"Ok yo win,guess it has to be Gillyward". The Gillyward table burst into cheers and Hippy joined Don. After all the first years were sorted they were all eating.

"I'm half and half. My Dads a muggle and he's in prison for raping teenagers and me mams a witch and she draws the evil eye and gives it to people she don't like" said an irish boy who was called Shaggy. Hippy was talking to Don's older brother Pissy and pointing out a teacher who had a spitting image of Mr Burns from the Simpsons.

"Who is that sinister looking teacher,next to Queerall" Hippy asked Pissy.

"Oh That's Proffesor snipely,he teachers potions. Best not to get on the wrong sideo fh im though,he cane be nasty" Warned Pissy.Don was greedily tucking into a chicken combo and Hermoninny was looking at him in dusguist.

"what you looking at stuck up Bitch" Sneered Don. Hermoninny said nothing except for giving Don the finger. He was about to help himself to another piece of chicken when a Headless ghost popped up from under the table.

"Holy shit,it's the Headless Horseman" yelped Don. The Ghost pulled out it's head from it's pocket.

"Shut it boy,i am not the Headless Horseman". Don who had been sobbing in Tweedledumb's jumper looked up.

"Phew,i thought you were gonna chop my head off". The Ghost let out an earpiercing laugh.

"Don't be daft,do i have an axe on me. Allow me to introduce mysefl. My nmae is sir Nicholas the bobby dazzler but nowadays people call me Headless nick" He explained.

"So how did you erm die?" asked Hippy. He had just noticed Headless nick.

"Well it was all the Headless Horseman's fault" he bellowed.

"He chopped your head off?" Don asked desperate to know more.

"Bloody did. I was taking a walk on evening. My dog, Mr Pimples needed to take a crap so i took him out into the woods plus i needed to answer the call of nature myself,plus i'd just come home from the bar so i was very drunk. So there i was,after i took a shit in the woods making love to a tree when i saw that Headless bugger walking towards me. But i was so drunk that i actually thoughed it was my best mate Larry. I began talking to him and the last thing i said to him was,i asked him if he had sex with that girl from th pub and the whack, my Noggin was lopped off and here i am". Everybody in the great hall clapped and shouted "what a great story".

"Oh shit,they've been listening" and he flew off.

"Where the crap is Gillyward tower anyway?" Don complained.

"I know let's asked this statue of this witch" Hippy suggested. The pair of them had been playing hide and seek that they didn't go with the other Gillyward's so now they were lost.

"Excuse me witch,but do you know where we can find Gillyward tower?" Asked Hippy nervously. Suddenly the statue came alive and spoke in a very evil voice.

"You seek the domitry where Party's happen all night long,Gillyward tower,Follow the Grafitied Trail to where the owl shits,turn right and follow to the potrait of the sexy stripper,climb up the spiral staircase of doom,climb all the way up to the top and you should see a huge painting of Phil Mitchell dressed as an oompa loompa,that is Gillyward tower" and she turned back into a statue.

When the boys found it,they were now joining in with a huge party and they got very drunk.


	8. The first day

The first day.

Hippy found Bogwarts to be the most unusual place ever. The statues were giving out directions in most strange ways like "follow the shit trail to where the cat dies" plus the whole place stank of dead people.

At Breakfast Hippy was looking at his Time table to see what lesson he had first.

"So,what's our First lesson then?" Don asked looking at Hippy's Timetable.He had accidently swallowed his own when it got mixed up with his Golden grahams.

"Holy crap,we;ve got Potions with Snipely" stated Don with fear in his eyes. Hippy gulped as Snipely walked passed their table in a very sinister way. Little did they know that Snipely was a Robot in disguise and when he was out of the great hall he took of his disguise and snuck to his secret lair which is somewhere in Bogwarts in which i will not say because it's a secret and began plotting for world domination.

Meanwhile Hippy,Don and the rest of the First year Gillywards made their way to Potions joined by the Shiterings who were all very evil. The school caretaker,Mr stinky walked past joined by his pet cat that was pure evil,Mrs Stinky

"Tweedledee told me that he's married to his cat" whispered Don to Hippy as Mr stinky strode out of sight.

"How weird" replied Hippy just as Snipley finally arrived after an hour.

"Get in the classroom you little asreholes" he sneered. The first years followed the evil Robot in disguise potions teacher into a rather sinsiter and evil looking classroom filled with all kinds of potions and poor innocent animals suffering in pain.

"Sit down" ordered Snipely. The First years obeyed and sat down straight away.

"Right,welcome to potions. I am Proffesor Snipely and i will be teaching you how to make all kinds of potions and torture Innocent woodland creatures" sneered the evil man. Hermoninny Burst into tears.

"What are you sobbing about,brat?" hissed Snipely striding over to Hermoninny

"I can't do this,i can't bear to see those poor little animals being tortured" she sobbed. Snipely slapped Hermoninny hard across the face and then stuck duck tape over her mouth.

"That's better,now we must proceed. Today i am going to show you how to choke a naughty Monkey" and he pulled out a brown monkey that was schreeching in terror.

"It's all pretty simple,you just clasp your hands tight around the monkey's neck and then wait until he goes blue and then drops dead. All easy" he explained. Suddenly the monkey broke free from Snipely's grasp and began causing havoc in the classroom.

"STOP IT MONKEY,I MUST CHOKE YOU"yelled Snipely. The monkey tossed an sharp arrow at Snipely who quickly ducked under his desk.The whole class ran out screaming except for Hermoninny who still had the duck tape concealed over her mouth. Snipely fled to his secret lair and the Monkey swallowed an apple whole then began slowly choking to death.

After Potions,the gillywards and shiterings all had flying lessons. Their teacher was called madwomanpooch and she was the most foul-mouthed person ever.

"Right you little bastards,pick up your fucking brooms and sit on them" yelled Madwoman pooch. The class did as they were told and Madwoman pooch began speaking again.

"Right, to lift off you kick off from the ground hard and then you'll be soaring into the air like godamn rockets". The boy with the afro who's name was Smiley jenkins (he's the boy who lost his pet martian on the train if you remember) did it too soon as was soon soaring up into the air just like a corkscrew that had just been popped off a champagne bottle.

"Get your fat fucking arse down here now jenkins" bellowed madwoman pooch. Smiley couldn't stop himself from flying about and crashed head first into the wall and his limp body slid down to the ground leaving a huge trail of blood coming down the wall.

Madwoman pooch rushed over to the body and slowly turned it round.Smiley's eyes were rolled in the back of his head and he was having a seizure.

"Get away from him,you little bastards" yelled madwoman pooch. The whole class ran for lives and to the great hall. Unfortunatly Smiley didn't come because he was sent to the hospital wing but tragicly died in a matter of five minutes.

"What a bloody weird day" said Hippy as they went back to Gillyward tower. Phil Mitchell was grunting and moaning about his oompa loompa costume.

Anotherp arty was in full swing and for the first time in his life,Hippy got very drunk that he actually spent the night having sex with Don who was also very drunk,but the pair of them had no idea what they were doing as they were high and drunk on weed and vodka.


	9. The midnight booze competion

The midnight booze competion

The next Morning Hippy and Don had really bad hangovers plus they couldn't remember anything about the night before. Hippy fell asleep at the breakfast table until Shaggy walked by and whacked him over the head with a newspaper.

"Ya gotta read this,there's been a breakin at the bank in drugness ally". Hippy woke up and snatched the newspaper out of Shaggy's hand.

"Piss of you irish git,and don't hit me over the head with a newspaper again" he said in a very annoyed tone. Shaggy gave Hippy the finger and sauntered off.

"So what's the news then Hippy?" Don asked covered in porridge. He had fallen asleep in his porridge and now looked like a yummy breakfast treat for Goldilocks and the Three bears obviously.

"There's been a robbery at the bank in drugness ally" Replied Hippy looking at the front page.

"Well what does it say?" asked Don wiping the porridge off his face with Hermoninny's jumper (but she didn't notice because she was too busy being the snobby bitch that she is).

Hippy looked at the page again and began reading the story.

"On the 30th of August 2006 the bank in drugness ally was robbed. It was stated that a package from the vault where the possum shags the rat and the billy goat shits was taken on this very day but because the Goblins where goddamn drunk at the time,they had no idea they were robbed until they had sobered up. They were very sad that some of them commited sucide by feeding themselves to the flamable lion. If you have any idea where the stolen object is then please contact the bank straight away because if you don't then we shall hunt you down and eat you. That's not a threat it is a promise muhahahahahaha".

"What a load of old shit,turn to page three". Hippy sighed and turned to page three. Don grabbed the newspaper and sat there staring non stop at page 3.

After breakfast,Hippy decided to walk around the castle on his own. Lessons had been cancelled because the teachers got drunk and how had hangovers plus Don was still in the great hall still staring at page three.

"Listen here you bloody caretaker,i don't give a shit if you want to take a crap, these toilets are off limits because half the staff are chucking up in there". Hippy peered round the corner to see Mr Stinky having an Arguement with Madwoman Pooch

"Look here you rotten old bitch,i want to take crap" yelled Mr stinky. His cat Mrs stinky hissed in agreement.

"Oh fuck off" Replied Madwoman pooch. Mr stinky hadn't finished though.

"Don't you tell me to Fuck off woman. I can easily get you sacked". Madwoman pooch rolled her eyes in disagreement.

"I'd like to see you try. You're just a caretaker,you can't sack me. Now i suggest you get lost before i shove that mop up your fat arse". At that point Mrs stinky's eye grew red,fangs began to sprout from it's mouth and grew at least 50 feet tall.

"What the fuck is that?" Madwoman pooch asked looking at the 50 foot cat with drooling fangs and bright red eyes which was looking hungrily at her.

"Looks like Mrs stinky is going to get an early lunch" said Mr stinky evily. Madwoman pooch screamed in terror as she was about to meet her doom.Hippy couldn't help watching as Mrs Stinky swallowed Madwoman pooch in one go before turning back to her normal size.

"Well done my sweet" said Mr stinky scooping up his cat and walking into the toilets where he told all the Teachers to piss off and go be sick somewhere else.

"Psst snotter,over here". Hippy looked behind him and saw Miffy with his Flabbe and Boil.

"What the hell do you want?" Hippy asked showing that he wasn't pleased to see them.

"We're having a booze competion at midnight tonight,wanna join in?" Explained Miffy with an evil look on his face.

"What the hell is a booze competion?" asked Hippy eager to know.

"Well we all make our own booze and the one who makes the one that makes you really pissed is the winner". Flabbe and Boil nodded in agreement.

"Cool i'll try it. I'll ask Don if he wants to join in too. I'm sure he'll love it".

"Sure whatever. Ok midnight in the trophy room be there" and Miffy and his bodyguards walked off.

"Wow a booze competion,when is it?" asked Don after Hippy told him all about the booze making cxompetion.

"It's tonight,midnight. You know i reckon that Drunger Miffy might not be so bad after all " explained Hippy. Hermoninny who had been eavesdropping decided to say something.

"I don't think that's a very good idea,you could get into trouble if Mr Stinky catchs you" she said in her traditional snobbish tone.

"Who told you to but in,you snotty nosed cow?" retailliated Hippy. Hermoninny stalked off with her nose in the air.

"Don't listen to her,she's just a snobby bitch anyway" reassured Don.At halfpast eleven Hippy and Don departed from their Dormitry and headed down to the common room where Hermoninny was stood in a barbie pink dressing gown.

"What are you doing here,go back to bed" hised Don,but Hermoninny didn't budge.

"I can't believe you are going to do this,don't do it i say" but the two boys just walked past her. Hermoninny wasn't ready to give up so she followed them both out of the potrait.

"You best get back here now or else i'll tell Mr stinky" she warned.Hippy turned around to face her.

"Listen here,you can't tell us what to do. Your just a bitch who is snobby" he snarled.

"Ok go ahead but don't come crying to me when Mr stinky catches you" and she turned around to discover that Phil Mitchell had was gone.

"Oh no,i can't get back in. Oh no what ever shall i do?" and she burst into tears.

"Guess she'll just have to come with us" Suggested Don pitfully.

Hippy and Don walked through the Darkened corridors with Hermoninny walking with them. She had her mouth covered in Duck tape again to prevent her from bossing them about.

It was five minutes to midnight when they reached the trophy room.

"Where's Miffy and his cronies?" Don asked looking around the deserterd trophy room.

"Don't know. Maybe the little shitface has chickened out" suggested Hippy. Hermoninny tried to say something but failed because of the ducktape. Just then they heard footsteps and non other than Mr stinky.

"Sniff around Mrs Stinky. That shitering boy who looks like Dracula said that some Gillyward students are causing trouble tonight."

"Shit he must have fooled us into coming in and then told Mr stinky that we were coming here" whispered Don.

"Never mind that now,lets get out of here" and the three ran out of the trophy room and down the corridor. When they heard Mr stinky's footsteps getting nearer they dived into the nearest classroom and shut the door.

"We'll wait here until he's gone then we'll go back to Gillyward tower" Explained Hippy. Don was tugging nervously on Hippy's sleeve.

"What?" Hissed Hippy. Don pointed at something in front off them. Hippy and Hermoninny turned around to get a look at what Don had been pointing at. In front of them stood a giant Ostrich but it was no ordinary Ostrich,it had three heads and was pecking at the three students who screamed and legged it all the way back to Gillyward tower where Phil Mitchell was back and still in his oompa loompa outfit.

"Where have you three been?" he grunted.

"Never mind that now,open up theres a three headed ostrich after us". The Phil Mitchell potrait swung open where the three off them ran into their domtries and hid under the covers until morning.


	10. Halloween

Halloween

The next morning,Miffy wasn't very happy to see that Hippy and Don were still at school.Hippy and Don were thrilled that the three headed ostrich had come after therm.

"Perhaps it couldn't fit through the door with a big arse like that" suggested Don covering his sausages in brown sauce. Hippy nodded in agreemnet just as the annoying irsih kid,Shaggy came and sat next to him.

"Beat it loser" Hippy said causing shaggy to stick his tongue out at him.

"What do you hate about Shaggy anyway?" Hermoninny asked.

"None of your buisness snobby cow" Retaillated Hippy,Don snickered that he accidently spilled brown sauce all down his jumper.

"Eugh,i am not sitting next to a bunch of messy boys" she scoffed getting up from her seat and stalking off.

"Oh don't listen to the bitch anyway. She only thinks she's better than everyone else but she isn't. It's Halloween tonight anyway and theres going to be a huge party in here" reassured Don.

"Cool,shall we bring beer?" asked Hippy taking his mind of Hermoninny.

"I don't think we'll be allowed.Were only eleven, it wouldn't be apropriate" Explained Don picking his nose.

"Bet the older studnets will though. It's not fair" sobbed Hippy sinking to his knees and falling under the table. Shaggy tried to comfort him but Hippy shrugged him off.

"Get lost you irish Arsehole. I hate you" he wailed.

"Fine. I'm only trying to be friendly,no need to bite me chuffing head off" and he stormed off. It took about thirty minutes until Hippy was calm again and they were now heading for charms. On the way they passed Queerall who was happily sniffing a rather revolting green substance.

"Oh fruity" he said before passing out on the ground.

"What an idiot" muttered Don as they continued on their way.

"He can't help it,He has W.D" Explained Hippy.

"What's W.D?" Asked Don sniffing a mint wipe.

"It's weirdness Disease,he was born with it". Don nodded as he stuffed the mint wipe in his pocket.

The charms teacher,Proffesor Gooberington was only two feet tall that he had to stand on a pile of boxes to see his class.

"Today,we will be levitating ketchup bottles" he explained. His voice sounded like a chipmunk and was really annoying.

"Now i am going to pair you up myself because i don't trust you to do it yourselfs" he demanded.Hippy was put with Shaggy and he wasn't very happy about it.

"Don't talk to me" he hissed. Don was put with Hermoninny and she was bossing him around.

"Will you get your finger out of you nose,you dirty boy" she scoffed when Don was attempting to pick a winner.

"Oh shut up you snobby little bitch" he snarled.

"Right,pick up your wands and say the words WIZZ WIZZ BANG BANG BOOM and the ketchup bottles i have put on your desks will fly up into the air" explained Gooberington.

Don was having trouble getting his ketchup bottle to lift from the table so Hermoninny decided to step in.

"You're saying your words wrong you nitwit. It's WIZZ WIZZ BAN BANG BOOM not BANG BANG WIZZ WIZZ BOOM".

"Well why don't you do it then you clever clogs,go on. Show the entire class what a boffin Bitch you are" snarled Don in his annoyed tone. Hermoninny ignored him and picked up her wand.

"Wizz wizz bang bang boom" and the ketchup bottle slowly floated from the table. Gooberington clapped and did a girlish giggle.

"Well done Miss Greengarage" he praised. Shaggy decided to have a go but he whacked the ketchup bottle so hard that it exsploded and ketchup when flying everywhere.

"You idiot" hissed Hippy who was covered from head to toe in ketchup.

That evening the whole school all made their way to the great hall for the halloween party. Don was talking about Hermoninny to Hippy.

"I can't stand that cow,she so thinks she's better than every one else. Well if she thinks she's gonna have loads of friends then she can bloody think again because that is never going to happen" he suggested. At that point,Hermoninny barged past him with her eyes filled with tears. She stuck her middle finger up in the air at Don whilst still walking ahead.

"I think she heard you" said Hippy with a worried look on his face.

"So what,it serves her right for being such a bossy,snobby know it all".

The halloween party was in full swing. There was spooky based food being served and the Teachers were all in fancy dress.

"Hey how come Hermoninny isn't here?" Hippy asked noticing that Hermoninny was no where to be seen.

"She's locked herself in the toilet. Crying she was" Shaggy explained.

"Oh piss off,who asked you" Hippy said pushing Shaggy into a giant bowl of punch. All of a sudden Queerall came bursting in and he looked very scared.

"GIANT PUMKIN IN THE DUNGEON,GIANT PUMKIN IN THE DUNGEON just thought i'd let you know" and he fainted.

"Bloody creep,bet he's drunk" retorted Don. Just then red lights fell down from the ceiling and began to flash.

"Giant pumkin in the school,run for your lifes. Woman and children first" cried a robotic voice as the red lights flashed.

"Right everybody get out here. There is a giant pumkin on the rampage. Get back to your common rooms NOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW" Bellowed Bumblebore. Scared,the students all ran out of the great hall screaming.

"How can a giant Pumkin get in,they can't even walk" wondered Don.

"How am i supposed to know. Oh shit Hermoninny doesn't know. Come on to the girls toilets" called Hippy.

"Hippy i hate to ruin you heroic moment but i reckon we should leave the Pumkin to deal with Hermoninny" Don suggested.

"Shhhhhhhhhh behind here" Hippy hissed pulling Don behind a door. They watched in horro as a Giant pumkin with amrs and legs walked into the girls toilets.

"Come on" Said Hippy dragging Don after him.When they reached the toilets,Hermoninny was stood frozen on the spot and the Pumkin was trying to kiss her.

"HELP ME,IT WANTS TO RAPE ME" she squealed.

"Oi shitface" Don called throwing a rock at the Pumkin.The Pumkin turned round and saw it's new Rape target.

"Wanna have a little fun" it said reaching out to Don. Don yelped and Jumped out of the way revealing Hippy with the wand at the ready.

"Woah,three people for me to Rape in one night. I am one lucky Pumkin" the pumkin sad gleefully.

"Don't count on it mate i have a wand and i am not afraid to use it. WIZZ WIZZ BANG BANG BOOM" and the pumkin flew up into the air,banged it's head onto the ceiling and then blew up.Hermoninny finaly moved and surprisingly gave both Hippy and Don a kiss on the cheek.

"You saved me. Wanna be Friends?" she asked giving them a smile.

"Sure why not. You might not be too bad for a snobby cow" joked Don. From that moment all three of thme were friends.


	11. Discovery about Dazington Bellydancer

Discovery about Dazington Bellydancer

A month had passed since Don and Hippy saved Hermoninny from the giant pumpkin and she became a good friend to them plus they were lucky to have a friend like her as she could help them when they got stuck on homework,sho could help them.

"So what are you planning to do over the Christmas Holidays?" Don asked Hermoninny over breakfast.

"Well my parents want me to come home because they want me to spend christmas with them instead of my friends" she replied grumpily. Hippy put his hand on her shoulder.

"Don't worry,hey i think i know why that ostrich is there".

"Why?" asked Don and Hermoninny together.

"I reckon it's guarding something. When Hirbird Took me to the bank he took something out of one of the vaults,a round package. Well i reckon he got the three headed Ostrich to guard it because whatever it's guarding someone might be trying to steal it" he explained. Don and Hermoniny looked at him with disbelief.

"But Hippy,how can an ostrich guard something so valuable. I mean they're kinda stupid,why not have a dragon with three heads or Miffy with a red hot poker to poke up their arses if they try and steal whatever the ostrich is guarding?" asked Don accidently spilling his milk down his trousers.

"Well i reckon Hirbird must have been really stupid to pick an Ostrich" replied Hippy. Hermoninny nodded in agreement as Shaggy came bounding up to them happily.

"There having a game of throwing fruit at each other,Hippy why don't you join in,,they're letting firsts years have a go" he said happily. Hippy liked the idea of that. He got up from his seat and pushed Shaggy on the floor.

The game that Shaggy had just been talking about was called Fruitich. It was were you had to wear helmets and goggles and toss fruit at one another. The one who gets the most covered is the winner and two houses had to play agaisnt each other. Today was Gillyward against Shitering.Miffy was taking part in it as well as Hippy. Don and Hermoninny didn't join in as Don was to scared to get hit in the arm by an apple and hermoninny wasn't the type to play sports.

"Right seeing as Madwoman Pooch is no longer with us,i'll be starting the game" Mr stinky called thorugh a loud hailer.

"Right,make sure your helmets are secure on your heads and your goggles are firmly strapped on. Right when i blow my whsitle the game shall begin".The whole game was a result off madness. Fruit was flying here and there. Hippy tossed a handful of bananas at Miffy who was tossing Grapes towards him.

"You like Apples,Snotter" he sneered as he prepared to throw a very large apple at Hippy.

"Try it and i swear to god i will eat you, you great ugly fart" Hippy sneered back. Furious,Miffy lunged the large apple at Hippy. He was stood frozen on the spot as it flew towards him and then think everything went black.

"Do you reckon he's alright". Hippy's eyes flickered opened to see Hirbird,Don and Hermoninny leaning over him.

"What the hell happened?" he asked sitting up and seeing that he was in the hospital wing.

"You got hit in the face by an big apple. It was so hard that your helmet and goggles couldn't protect you,got smashed up they did" Don explained. Hirbird and Hermoninny nodded in agreement.

"Hey Hirbird,i've got something to ask you. It's about that Three headed Ostrich" Hippy said turning towards Hirbird who quickly hit a liquior bottle out of sight.

"HOW DID YOU FIND OUT ABOUT ROLFY?" he bellowed so loud that the whole room shook.

"That thing has a name?"Hermoninny asked getting up to sit back on her seat.

"Course he has,he's mine i bought him to guard the"

"What?" Don butted in.

"Non of your buiness you little shitbag. What that ostrich is guarding is secretly between Bumblebore and Dazington bellydancer" and he got up and strode out of the hospital.

"Who the crap is Dazington Bellydancer?" Hippy asked in confusion.

"I don't know,but we can find out" Don suggested.

"Are you plain stupid,Hirbird told us not to interfere" Hissed Hermoninny.

"Don't be such a wimp,Greengarage" Retorted Don "the three of us are going to find ut more about Dazington bellydancer and what Rolfy is guarding".


	12. The invisibility clingfilm cloak

The invisibility clingfilm cloak

Christmas was just around the corner and the studnets of bogwarts were all making plans. Hermoninny was planning to stay at Bogwarts but her selfish parents wanted her to spend christmas with them and not her new friends.

After she left, Hippy and Don were trying their best to look for information on Dazington Bellydancer but they wern't having any look.

" This is hopeless, We'll never find out about him or what that Ostrich is guarding" Hippy moaned as he buried his head in his arms.

Well I remember Hermoninny saying that there was a book in the library about Dazington Bellydancer but it's in the restricted section" Sighed Don.

"You know, maybe we should just give up. After all Hirbird said it's none of our buisness so we might as well forget about it and just enjoy the chrismtas holidays". Don agreed and they both managed to forget about it for a while.

Christmas day came faster than a week. Don and Hippy both got up at Five, O clock in the morning to open their presents.

"I love getting up early in the morning on Christmas day" giggled Don as he picked up a large parcel and began opening it.

"We're not allowed to get up early on chrismtas day at the Dungleyness. We all have to get up at the same time but I don't see what the point is because I don't get any good presents. Just Dastardly Diggin's old clothes and stuff".Don gestured to a pile of presents all for Hippy. His face broke into a huge grin as he dived into them.

"Wow I've never had this much presents before" he chuckled. These were the presents that Don had got.

A wooly jumper knitted by his mother, A box of live chocolate frogs that all hopped out when he opened them, some everlasting Gobstoppers, A Magic Remote control car, pre-owned and was a bit battered and a year supply of chocolate fingers.

The presents that Hippy had got were, A box of live Chocolate frogs that hopped away when he opened them, a cloak made out of clingfilm, some old socks, a button, some everlaster Gobstoppers and a fifty pence piece.

"So what's the deal with a clingfilm cloak anyway?" Don asked, admiring the cloak.

"Don't know, I'll just try it on". He put on the cloak on and his body had dissapeared.

"Hey, you got an Invisibility clingfilm cloak" said Don in awe. Hippy took off the cloak and his body re-appeared.

"Wow, i bet i could sneak around the school at night with this thing and Mr Stinky would never know" he giggled.

"I know. You could sneak into the Restricted section with that and See if there are any books in there about Dazington Bellydancer" suggested Don. They both had decided to get back on the sugbject of finding Info on Dazington bellydancer.

That night, Hippy snuck out of Gillyward tower with his Invisibility clingfilm cloak, he put it over him and it made him complety invisible to the eye.

He was having a field day, sneaking around and no one would even know. He was sneaking down towards the libary and he spotted Mr Stinky snooping around. He went into the libary just as Mr Stinky entered at the same time. Trying not to breath too loudly he snuck to the restricted section.


	13. The mirror of erasers

The Mirror of erasers

Hippy strolled towards the restricted section with his clingfilm invisibility cloak wrapped around him. Mr. Stinky was still patrolling around but he had no idea that Hippy was there too.

Hippy unlocked the door of the restricted section and quietly slipped inside. Not wanting to make the slightest sound, he moved quietly towards the books.

"I know there must be a book about Dazington Bellydancer in here" he muttered, searching along the books. He came across a rather blingy looking book and he assumed that it would hold some very interesting information about Dazington Bellydancer. Making sure that Mr.Stinky wasn't about, he took off his cloak and lifted the blingy book of the shelf. He took of his cloak and opened theb ook which began playing a rather loud song.

"WE WILL, WE WILL ROCK YOU". Scared,Hippy quickly shut the book hoping that Mr.Stinky hadn't heard it but it was too late.

"WHO GOES THERE?" Bellowed Mr.Stinky. Hippy grabbed his cloak, knocking over his lamp torch in the process, quickly slung it on and legged it out of the restricted section.

"You cannot hide from Mr.Stinky" called Mr.Stinky who was just Inches away from Hippy.

"Show yourself, whoever you are. One two, Mr.Stinky's coming for you" he sang. Hippy legged it out of the library and into the corriodor and encounted Mrs.Stinky.

Hippy wasn't sure that cats could see right through Invisibility cloaks, so he was frozen with fear but luckily, Mrs.Stinky just slung straight passed him and into the library.

"You bloody fool". Hippy had no trouble recognising that voice. He peeped round a corner and saw Professor snipely threating Queerall. He had the weirdo back agaisnt a wall.

"Are you my Father?" asked Queerall stupidly. Angry,Snipely pushed him harder against the wall.

"You cannot fool me with that act of yours,Queerall. Soon the students and staff will soon see right through you, it won't be long until they find out about your devious plan" he sneered as Queerall giggled like an idiot.

"I want a candybar" he sniggered. Hippy couldn't help but feel sorry for Queerall at that moment. Surely, Queerall was a bit of a weirdo but he couldn't help it. Just then, Mr.Stinky came walking up to the two teachers holding Hippy's lamp torch.

"Look what I found in the library Proffesors" he said cheerfully showing them the lamp. Queerall was still giggling like a mad hatter and Snipely just looked serious.

"There must be a student out of bed" he spoke.

"I'll deal with it Snipely, You go back to your office and Queerall, get a phycologist or something". Mr.Stinky headed off down the corridor, Snipley headed of to his secret lair which I still won't say where it is because it's still a secret and Queerall was still stood where he was Giggling and saying.

"I'm a teapot, I'm a teapot." Hippy went into a nearby classroom, ignoring Queerall and came across a rather bizzare looking mirror which seemed to be made out of Erasers.

Squinting his eyes, he moved closer to the mirror and he was stunned to discover it was actually made out of Erasers. Indeed it was a mirror because it had the looking glass right in the middle of the billion different coloured Erasers that surrounded it. He looked in the mirror and saw two people that could only be his parents. He looked behind him and saw no one. Besumed, he turned round and legged it out of the room and back to Gillyward tower.

"Who's there?" grunted Phil Mitchell as Hippy climbed through the potrait. He raced up to the dormitries and pulled Don out of bed.

"What's the big idea,Hippy?" he asked as Hippy dragged him back to the mirror room.

"You've got to see this. It's a mirror made out of Erasers" he replied. They both ran into the room and he dragged Don to the mirror.

"And I saw my parents too" he said as they moved to look in the mirror.

"I don't see your parents, But I see myself as a Rap star in some wizarding nightclub. Hippy do you think this mirror shows the future because that's what I want to be when I grow up".Hippy shrugged his shoulders and replied.

"How can it because both My parents are dead.

The next night Hippy returned to the mirror and admired himself for hours until he heard a voice which made him jump.

"So the mirror fan has returned". Hippy jumped round and saw Bumblebore stood right behind him.

"I didn't here you come in sir" replied Hippy.

"Oh I can be sneaky" replied Bumbledore, taking out a cigar and lighting it.

"Can I try some of that?" asked Hippy, eyes widening.

"Oh no Hippy my boy you're too young. But I might let you have a bash when your older. Anyway, I see you've taken a fancy in my Mirror of Erasers" said Bumblebore taking a puff from the cigar.

"It's been showing images of my parents and I want to know why?" demanded Hippy.

"Well it shows us whatever we want most in the world. Your parents are the thing you want most".

"Yeah. I must go now because I'm a little emotional at the moment" sniffed Hippy.

"Come on now. Why don't we head back to my office for a lads night in and order some pizza" suggested BUmbledore . Hippy accept and decided to forget about the mirror.


	14. Discovering the Philosopher's Pizza

Discovering about the Philosopher's pizza

When Hermoninny came back to Bogwarts, she was quite interested in Hippy's cloak but wasn't impressed when she found out that Hippy had been sneaking around at night.

"What if Mr.Stinky caught you" she hissed making Don shudder.

"Yeah well he didn't did he? because this cloak is worth every penny and it truly works" said Hippy in truimph. Shaggy was listening into their conversation and asked about the cloak.

"You keep out of this you Irish git" Hippy said. Shaggy shrugged and stalked off sticking two fingers up at Hippy in the process.After Breakfast, Hermoninny dragged Hippy and Don down to the Library as she knew where to find a book on Dazington Bellydancer.

"It contains all there is to know about Dazington Bellydancer" she explained as she threw the big heavy book onto the table causing it to shake.The two boys watched and listened as Hermoninny began reading.

"Of course this is it. Dazington bellydancer is the creator of the Philosopher's pizza".

"What the hell is the Philosopher's Pizza?" Don interupted. Hippy thumped him and told him to shut up so that Hermoninny could continue.

"The Philosopher's Pizza is a Pizza made out of pure gold. The Pizza is said to make anyone who licks it Immortal".

"Lick it, why not eat it?" Don Interupted again causing Hippy to give him another thump.

"Because it's made out of solid gold duh and if you try to eat it, you could end up breaking all your teeth of. I bet that is what Rolfy is Guarding and Hirbird took it from the bank in Drugness ally because someone is trying to steal it".

"And I know who" spoke Hippy "Snipley, and I bet he's accusing Queerall of wanting it because during the holidays I saw him threatening him, saying that he had a secret and it won't bel ong until everyone finds out about it".Just then, Queerall came dancing in the library with a big smirk across his face.

"I found a spider teehee hee" he giggled showing them a very large spider that was crawling on his back.

"Isn't he sweet, I think I'll call him Simon, Simon the Spider hahahahahahaha". Suddenly the Spider jumped of Queeralls back and began scuttling around. The girls in the Library including Hermoninny jumped on their chairs shrieking and Queerall was calling after the Spider.

"No, Simon come back to Daddy" he called just as the Librarian Madame looloo came over to sort out all the chaos.

"Proffesor Queerall will you get this hideous creature out of my Library" she shrieked. Queerall picked up the spider and headed to the door.

"Did Simon hurt himself" he cooed. Hermoninny got down from her chair and went back to the book.

"Do you reckon we should tell Hirbird about this?" suggested Don. Hermoniny shook her head with her bushy hair flying all over the place.

"No way. Hirbird said it was none of our buisness" she replied.

"But I reckon he has a right to know if Snipley is trying to steal it" Hippy said. Finally Hermoninny gave in and that evening they went to Hirbird's hut.


	15. Hirbird's porno collection

Hirbird's porno collection

That evening, Hippy, Don and Hermoninny went down to Hirbird's hut and it was the first time they had been there all year so they had no Idea what it was like.

"Are you sure you want to do this? he might get angry if he discovers we've found out about the Pizza" said Hermoninny.

"Well I still reckon he should have a right to know that Snipely is trying to steal it" Don argued. Hippy had to listen to them both bickering all the way to Hirbird's.

"Well I reckon we should turn back to the school right now. He said it's none of our buinsess after all" snapped Hermoninny.When they reached the hut, they knocked on the door and a rather drunk looking Hirbird answered.

"Hello hic. I'm sorry but I don't want any visiters tonight. Please come again". He was about to shut the door on them but they stopped him.

"We know about the Philosopher's pizza" they all said. Angry, Hirbird dragged them all inside and flung them onto the chairs.

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU, IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUISNESS ABOUT WHAT ROLFY IS GUARDING" he bellowed. Hippy, Don and Hermoninny all burst into tears.

"But Hirbird, you don't understand. Snipley is trying to steal it. He was accusing Queerall of wanting to steal it " sobbed Hippy. Hirbird looked at him suspicioulsy.

"How do you know?" he asked.

"Because I saw him threatening him, saying that he had a secret and that the whole school will soon find out. That's what i reckon it was" Hippy explained. The Tearstreaked Don and Hermoniny nodded. Calmer now, Hirbird gave the three weeping children a tissue each.

"Listen I'm sorry for yelling back then, I was messed up but I'm sober now" he explained. Don looked at him with confusion.

"But when you answered the door you were drunk as an octopus" he sniffed, wiping his eyes.

"But I can make myself sober with a cup of tea". He smiled showing them a cup of tea. Hermoninny giggled and Hippy noticed a pile of porno Magazines in the corner.

"Hey my uncle reads them" he said going over to them a picking one up.

"You're too young to be looking at those" Hirbird said making a grab for it. Don managed to grab it before Hirbird did and began flicking through it.

"Wow naked girls" he gawped. Hirbird snatched it away from Don and flung it aside.

"And you're too young to be looking at them too" he said sternly. Just then, Hermoninny pointed at the window.

"What's wrong child?" asked Hirbird. Hermoninny gestured towards the window again. Hirbird and the boys looked and saw a vampire like face peeping through before running off.

"It's Miffy" spoke hippy.

"Shit, he must have discovered about my Porno collection" Hirbird said nervously. The three First years said goodbye to Hirbird and headed back towards the castle.

"If the school finds out about Hirbird's porno collection, he could get chucked out" hippy explained as the three of them walked down the corridor.

"Is that bad if they find out?" asked Hermoninny.

"I'm afraid it's bad" whimpered Don. Proffesor Minny Mouse was standing at the end of the corridor looking really cross and stood next to her was a smug looking Miffy.

"Come with me now you three" she barked. Hippy, Don and Hermoninny hung their heads down in shame and followed Minny Mouse to her office.

"NEVER IN ALL MY YEARS AT HOGWARTS HAVE I EVER COME ACROSS STUDENTS WHO HAVE A FETISH FOR WONDERING THE SCHOOL AT NIGHT. ALL FOUR OF YOU WILL RECIVE A DETENTION" she bellowed. At that point, the smug Miffy decided to speak up.

"Excuse me, but I must have heard you wrong. Did you just say the four of us?" he demanded. Minny Mouse nodded.

"Yes I did. You too were out of bed after hours and you will join your classmates in detention". Hippy, Don and Hermoninny all grinned at Miffy who just stuck his middle finger up at them.

After being told off by Minny Mouse, Mr Stinky was escorting them to their doom.

"It's a pity they changed the punishments. The orignal detentions was when you got hung by you toes in the dungeouns" he nattered. The four students all held their noses to avoid smelling the awful stentch that was coming from Mr Stinky.


	16. The Forest of Doom

The Forest of doom

Mr Stinky took the four students to Hirbird's hut and the first thing he noticed was that Hirbird was weeping.

"I've bought the four naughty students, Hirbird" Mr Stinky announced. Hirbird howled even louder. "Oh what is the Matter you fucking wuss?" he sighed.

"Bumblebore stole my porno magazines and sold them on Ebay" he howled. Mr Stinky rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Take them into the forest of doom, I'll be back for them in the morning or what's left of them muhahahahaha". Miffy looked at him dumbfounded.

"We can't go in there, they've got werewolfs, vampires, bears in there" he wimpered. Mr Stinky grabbed him by the ear.

"Well if a bear eats you, then maybe that'll teach you not to wonder around the school grounds after bedtime. Anyway as I say Hirbird, tomorrow" and he walked back up to the castle laughing evilly.

"Right shall we get going?" asked Hirbird who had stopped weeping over his porno magazines. Hippy,Don,Hermoninny and Miffy prepared themselves for the worst as they entered dun dun dun the forest of doom.

"Right, a unicorn was murdered a week ago so we need to split up and find the beast so we can find out what killed it. We'll split into two teams so Don and Hermoninny will come with me and Hippy you with Miffy" explained Hirbird.

"Ok then" said Miffy "but I take your dog Scooby doo right". Hirbird had bought his Great Dane, Scooby doo with him.

"Roh no, I'm not going in there" said Scooby Doo. Sighing, Hirbird pulled out a box of Scooby snacks and attempted to bribe Scooby doo. "Would you do it for a Scooby snack?" he taunted. The dog changed his mind instantly and took the Scooby snack. Soon the group split up to go and look for the Dead unicorn. Miffy was soon complaining.

"You wait until my Father here's about this, he'll have that Mr Stinky chucked out before you can say shit-in-da-paper-factory" he monaed.

"You scared or something?" Hippy asked. Miffy slapped him hard across the face. "Don't be thick Snotter. Being scared is for Babies and I'm not a... what's that?". Miffy was pointing at Something.

"That's the dead unicorn that Hirbird wanted us to find" Hippy explained. "No that Dumbass". Miffy wasn't pointing at the Unicorn, he was pointing at the Mysterious cloaked figure that was drinking the Unicorns's blood.

"It's It's It's" harry stated.

"A VAMPIRE" Miffy yelled running away with Scoobydoo following behind. The Cloaked creature looked up and saw Hippy stood frozen on the spot.

"Must kill Boy" it hissed. Hippy tried to run away but he tripped up and the cloaked thing was advancing him. "Kill boy, Must Kill boy" it said in a spooky voice.

"Leave The boy alone" said a Random voice. A thing that was Half man half Goat appeared and scared away the creature.

"You ok?" it asked, helping Hippy to his feet. "Yeah, thanks for saving me. For a Minute I thought I was gonna be a Vampire". The thing looked at him in a weird way.

"What do you mean Vampire?" it asked.

"Well that was a vampire wasn't it?". The Goat/Man Hybrid shook his head.

"That was something far more worse than A Vampire".

"Voldumbshit?" Hippy asked. The thing was about to answer but they were intterupted by the rest of the group. "Alright Mr Jigglypuffson, see that you've met our Mr Snotter" boomed Hirbird's voice. Mr Jigglypuffson shook Hippy's hand and left him with the others."Where are you going Mr Jigglypuffson?" Hippy asked.

"Just off to the bar to hang out with the boys. Chow" and he disappeared.

When they got back to Gillyward Tower, Hippy told Don and Hermoninny about what he saw in the Forest.

"Do you think it is Voldumbshit?" Don asked. Hippy shrugged his Shoulders. "I Don't know but it wanted to kill me and Mr Jigglypuffson said it wasn't a vampire". Hermoninny gasped. "If that was Voldumbshit then your Lucky that Mr Jigglypuffson came when he did, otherwise you'll be dead by now". Hippy slapped her.

"Don't talk like that Bitch, Am I dead?". Hermoninny shook her head and Shaggy came creeping down the stairs.

"Listening to our conversation where you?" Hippy asked him.

"No ya Fucking Prick, I'm only going to the Toilet" and he Kicked Hippy in the balls making him double over in pain.

"Come on, let's get the beer out" Don suggested shrugging his shoulders.


	17. The Trapdoor

the trapdoor

The next day, the trio were plotting a way to get past Rolfy and find the Philosopher's Pizza before Snipely did.

"But how are we gonna get past Rolfy, he might peck our heads off" Don suggested. Hermoninny suggested that they should ask Hirbird and see if he knows a way how to get past Rolfy.

"Come on, let's ask him" Hippy said jumping up from the table and running out of the great hall plus knocking Shaggy over in the process who was just entering.

"Watch it ya fucking geezer" Shaggy called as Hippy ignored him. Don and Hermoninny followed after him. Hippy ran across the grounds all the way to Hirbird's hut where he was listening to 50 cent on his stereo.

"Hello there Hippy, what can I do you for?" he asked chirply.

"Hirbird?" Hippy asked " You know if somebody wanted to get past Rolfy without him noticing, how will they do it?". Hirbird spat his wisky down his beard.

"WHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?. KEEP YOUR NOSE OUT" he thundered. It took Hippy a while to gather himself but he mananged to get up to his feet.

"It's just that, I've got a feeling that Sni- I mean somebody is going to try and steal whatever Rolfy is guarding and I just want to know is how they'll get past Rolfy without him noticing". Hirbird cooled down and took a huge gulp of wisky. "Well, Rolfy fantasizes in Wham Music, Just put on a Wham song and he'll be busy dancing that he won't noticing you sneaking into the trapdoor-oops I shouldn't have told you that. Be gone and leave me to get drunk". Hippy scapered back to the castle to inform Don and Hermoninny.

"Wow, Wham Music" Don said in amazment. "What are you talking about?" said a creepy voice from behind them. The Three Children turned round to see Snipely stood in front of them.

"You were talking about Wham" he said in his ever so creepy tone. "Oh yes. I was just saying to these guys how much I like Wham music you know the whole _I'm your man, ooo baby, I'm your man ah ha, if ya gonna do it do it_ _right..."_ Snipely interupted "Thankyou very much Mr Sneasley now if you'll excuse me, I have to plot to rule the- I mean do some Important Paper work" and he strode off to his secret lair in a Robot Fashion.

"He's the one who's after the pizza, I know it" Hippy informed.

"Maybe he likes Pizza" Don said, shrugging. Hermoninny Bitch slapped him. " Hello, Stupid Brain. The Pizza is made of gold, he won't be able to eat it He'll use it make himself inmortal" she said in a tone as though Don was Stupid.

"Oooooookay, I get the message" said Don in the same fashion. Hippy rolled his eyes. "Look you guys. We are going down that Trapdoor tonight and i'm going to find the Pizza even if it kills me". Hermoninny and Don said they'll go with him too.

That Night, after everyone had gone to bed, The trio crept downstairs into the common room where they were cronfronted by Shaggy.

"What are you guys up to?" he asked in his Irish accent. "None of your Buisness Irish Git" Hippy spat. Shaggy stood face to face with Hippy.

"Look Hippy, I know we haven't been the best of friends but just tell me what ya up to and I won't tell". Hippy got out his wand a turned Shaggy into a Statue. "That should shut him up, come one troops. Mission to save the Pizza" Ordered Hippy. Don and Hermoninny did a salute and they all set of with Hippy's cloak over them.

"Are you sure this cloak works Hippy?" Hermoninny asked uneasily.

"Sure, I managed to escape Mr Stinky's clutches with this thing on" Hippy replied. They trecked up to the room where Rolfy was being held. They could here music being played.

"Snipely's already been here" Hippy said as they entered Rolfy's room. The Three Headed Ostrich was getting down to I'm your man

_Call me good, call me bad_

_call me anything you want to baby_

"Come on guys" Hippy gestured to his friends. The three of them crept past Rolfy as he continued to boogie.

_I'm your man, oooooooo baby_

_I'm your man_

_if ya gonna do it do it right (do it for me)_

The Trio lifted up the trapdoor.

"It looks very dark down there" said Don wearily. "Well I'll go first and then I'll call you" Hippy suggested. Hermoninny and Don nodded. Hippy did a salute and he jumped down into the darkness.

"Hippy are you ok?" Hermoninny asked with a worried look on her face.

"Of Course, It's quite a soft Landing" Hippy called from the Darkness. Don and Hermoninny just shrugged and jumped into a brown substance. "Hey you guys over here". Hippy was trekking through the Brown stuff which gave off quite a fowl smell.

"Ewwwwwwww what did we land it?" Don asked, Holding his nose.

"Well" Hermoninny suggested " To my calculations, we've landed in Ostrich poo".

"What?" the two boys asked in shock. "Ostrich poo". Suddenly the three of them felt themselves sinking into to poo. "What's going on?" hippy asked the Brainy Girl.

"Well, Ostrich poo is very sinkable, so anything that lands in it will sink right down into the poo" she explained.

"Oh great, we're going to be buried in Ostrich crap" said Don Sarcasticly. Hermoninny rolled her eyes and she disappered into the poo.

"Ohno, Hermoninny is poo chow" Don said. "It's ok" said Hermoninny's voice from underneath the poo "There's another corridor underneath the poo". Don watched as Hippy disapeared down the poo.

"No Hippy, Now you've become poo chow" Don cried. He was sining deeper and deeper then he sank right through the poo and onto a a cold stone floor.

"Am I poo chow yet?" he asked, his eyes closed. Hippy helped him up onto his feet. "No, you're not. Neither are any of us" he explained. Don wepted the sweat from his brow. Stinking from Ostrich shit, the Trio made their way down the dingy Corridor and came towards a door.

"Come on let's go through here guys" Hippy said, opening the door. The Three had entered a room filled with flying keys.

"Let's go through the door over there" Hippy said, pointing at a door on the opposite side. They walked up to the door and tried to open it but was unsuccessful.

"Maybe one of those keys fits that door" Don suggested. The Door handle had the words SLUTS FOREVER engraved on them. "We need a key that looks slutlike" Hermoninny.

"Look, that one looks sluttish" Hippy said, Pointing at a key that looked very slutty indeed.

"Look a broomstick" Don yelled. Hippy walked up to a broomstick which was floating in mid-air. "Do I have to fly on this thing and catch the slut key?" Hippy asked.

"Why else would a Broomstick be here" Hermoninny said. "But what if it's faulty, you Remember what happened to the Smiley Jenkins kid?". Don encouraged him to go for it.Hippy carefully climbed onto the stick and it rose higher and higher into the air. As he tried to reach for the Slut key, the other keys prodded at him.

"Oww, get off, Fuck, owww, geez I'm getting raped by frickin keys". He had managed to grab Hold of the slut key and he jumped off the broom and shoved it into the keyhole.

"Quick let's get out of here" Hippy called as the keys contiued to peck at him. The next room they entered was dark, but not for long. The lights came on and the trio found themselves face to face with three fat black americans.

"Ya'll wanna get through da doors?" asked the one in the middle. "Erm yeah, excuse us" Hippy said as he and the other two tried to get past, but the black americans shoved them back.

"Ya cannot go through. Ya have to must tell us ya Best ya Mama jokes" the leader joked

"Oh yeah" said Don "Well your Mama is so fat that when she weres a yellow coat people yell Taxi". A rock came down from the ceiling and knocked him out.

"He was well rubbash man" said one of the americans. "Oh come on that wasn't fair now was it" Hermoninny said using her snobby tone. "Do a your Mama joke now you biacth" said the leader.

"Yo Mama is so fat that when she gets on an areoplane,he has to have to seats to fit her fat Arse on". The Americans laughed. "Ya can go through" and they moved out of the way. Hippy was the one left.

"Come on, Poindexter, give us ya best Ya Mama jok" the leader ordered.

"Ok. Yo Mama is so fat that she'll make a tidal wave if she jumped into the pool". The Americans laughed and allowed Hippy to enter.

"You have to go it alone Hippy. I need to take Don up to the Hospital wing" Hermoninny suggested.

"But what if I can't do it?" he asked. Hermoninny laughed and kissed him on the cheek. "You're the bravest kid I've ever met Hippy, you can do it". Hippy nodded. "Your right Hermoninny, I can save the pizza and that is what precisily I am going to do" and he turned round and decended down a flight of stairs.

"Good luck Hippy" Hermoninny called before going back into the Ya Mama joke chamber to see to Don. Meanwhile Hippy was just entering the next chamber when he came across the Mirror of Erasers and stood in front of it was the person he was least expecting. Queerall.


	18. the so called weirdo with two faces

The so called weirdo with two faces

"You!" said Hippy in astonishment.

"Yes it is me Snotter" said Queerall in a sinsiter tone and he wasn't acting weird at all."How come you arn't doing anything weird?" Hippy asked suspiciously.

"Ha, see that you were one of the fools who fell my trick. You see Snotter, the whole Weirdness Disease thing was just a set up. So that nobody would suspect that I was the one after the Pizza". Hippy fell about. "You, you want the Pizza?. But I thought Snipely wanted it". Queerall slapped Hippy across the face.

"Don't be such a fool Snotter, Snipely would try and stop me but he wouldn't get the better of me, not with Voldumbshit one my side". Hippy couldn't believe his ears, the teacher whom he thought was a complete nutter was on sides with Voldumbshit.

"You are not going anywhere Snotter, I'm not having you telling the school about my plan" and he clicked his fingers and the next minute, Hippy was tied up.

"So you're holding me Hostage while you get the Pizza for your precious Master and fly right out of here, only you won't escape". Queerall turned round to face him. "What was that boy?" he sneered. "I said that you'll never escape, soon Bumblebore will find out your plan and he'll stop you". Queerall let out an evil sneer.

"Don't count on it Snotter, Bumblebore doesn't suspect me, neither the whole school does. Now if you don't mind I must examine this beautiful mirror" and he walked up to the Mirror and gazed longingly into it.

"Mirror, Mirror in the chamber, show me the one I most desire" he chanted. Hippy pretended to puke but Queerall ignored him.

"Ah ha I see myself holding the Pizza, I'm presenting it to my master. But how do I get hold of the real thing?". Hippy listened in horror as a voice coming from Queerall hissed "use the boy dumbass". Queerall spun round and untied Hippy. "Thanks, I'll be going now" and he turned round to run up the stairs but Queerall made flames appear to stop him from escaping.

"You cannot escap Snotter, I need you to do something for me. Come here and tell me what you see in the Mirror". Relunctantly, Hippy walked towards the Mirror and gazed into it. Something had fell on his head, something round and gold. Just then the real thing happened. It was the Pizza. Making sure that Queerall wasn't looking, he stuffed to Pizza halfway down the back of his trousers and covered it up with his Jacket.

"Well what do you see dickhead?" Queerall demanded. "I see myself as a sweet Transvestite in a gay Bar" he lied.

"The boy lieeessssssssssssssssss" hissed the Mysterious voice. Queerall turned to Hippy. "TELL THE TRUTH, WHAT DO YOU SEE DUMBASS". Hippy shook his head. "I'll never tell". The creepy voice spoke again."Let me speak to the boy and try to make him tell the truth, because you are not worthy you dumbass from planet dickhead".

"But master, You are not strong enough" Queerall begged.

"Just take of the stupid Turban before I make you into a Transvestite". Queerall did as the evil voice commanded and began unraveling his Turban. it fell off revealing a boald head.

"Woah slap head alert" Hippy yelled. Queerall turned around to reveal the back of his head. On it was the most hidious face that Hippy had seen since Vincy Wincy. It had evil red eyes, a Snakes nose and a thin mouth.

"Hello Hippy, remember me hssssssssss?" it spoke flickering it's tongue which was like a snakes.

"Voldumshit isn't it?" Hippy asked simply. "You seem to Remember the one who tried to flush you down the toilet" Voldumbshit hissed. "Ha" replied Hippy "they're arn't any toilets in here so you can't forget it bolad features". Queerall stood facing the other way so that Voldumbshit could still see Hippy.

"Maybe I won't if you give me the Pizza, I know you've got it" he hissed. Hippy tried to back away but Queerall/Voldumbshit was moving closer to him.

"Don't try and escape Hippy. You cannot leave until you give me the Pizza". Hippy blew a rasberry at the snake-faced man.

"Well finders keepers, losers weepers" he sneered. Voldumbshit hissed in fury. "Well if you won't co-operate then I have no choice but to destroy you, Queerall finish this Stupid Bastard off and get me the Pizza". Before he could run, Queerall flew onto Hippy and grasped his hand round the Boy's neck, attempting to choke him.

"Kill the boy, finish him off" Hippy could hear Voldumbshit yell as he tried to get his breath. He went to pull Queerall's hands of his neck but for some reason the two faced freak was Turned into a Rabbit. Hippy who was now weak from his near death experience looked a saw a blurry figure in front of him but couldn't make out who it was. The Spirit of Voldumbshit flew through Hippy making him go Unconcious. Meanwhile, the Queerall Rabbit hopped out of Bogwarts and into a local wood were he was shot dead by a hunter.

"Muhahahahahaha, another one for my stuffed animal collection muhahahahaha" laughed the fat Hunter before picking up the dead Rabbit that was once a Bogwarts teacher who faked the Weirdness disease and walking off into the sunset.

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**Well I'm nearly at the end of this story, just got one more chapter and then it's finally complete. I'm glad that some people liked it but I need more reviews cause i haven't had any for ages on this story. If they are going to be some reviews then I advise that they'll be no Flames put upon my review list, just decent reviews of people telling me what they think.Thankyou for reading and I'll try and get the very last chapter up as soon as possible. :)**


	19. Da end

Da end

Hippy woke up in the Hosiptal wing a week later and saw Bumblebore sitting at the end of his bed.

"Glad to see you've finally come round Hippy" said Bumblebore "If I hadn't turned Queerall into a Rabbit, you'd probaly be dead by now". Hippy looked at Bumblebore in disbelief.

"So it was you who saved him, hang on what happened to the Pizza? tell me now". Bumblebore shushed him."The Pizza is gone" he explained."What? has it been sent to Italy because that's were Pizzas come from" Hippy gestured but Bumblebore shook his head. "No dear boy, the Pizza has been destroyed, blown up. KABOOM".

"What, with Dynamite?" Hippy asked. Bumblebore laughed and nodded "Yeah, with Dynamite". Hippy forced a smile.The Nurse, Madam Pompom chucked Bumblebore out of the Hospital wing an hour later.

"Time to go Bumblebee" she said as she pulled the elderly man out of his rocking chair. "It's Bumblebore, Bitch" he gritted. "Whatever" Replied Madam Pompom shoving him out the door which resulted in Bumblebore shouting "RESPECT YOUR ELDERS BITCH". Hippy was let out of Hospital two days later and he met up with his friends Don and Hermoninny then he told him what he encountered.

"So basicly, Queerall was just a lying two faced bastard" Don said when Hippy told him about Queerall and what was on the back of his head.

"Why you calling him two faced Don?" Hermoninny asked. "Duh, because Hippy told us that he had two faces". Hermoninny giggled then turned to Hippy. "Come on you, they're having a end of year party in the great hall and I don't want to miss out" she said, Pulling the two boys to their feet and into the great hall.

The party was in full swing and nothing interupted thistime, not even Queerall busting in yelling about a Giant, raping Pumpkin on the rampage. He was now a stuffed Rabbit in some Hunter's house.

A few hours later, Bumblebore banged his spoon against his Goblet. "Settle down everyone. Now I know it has been a wonderful year and we've met some new faces, but I just wanted to say that I hope that next year will be just the same. So I would like to say is goodbye and have a good holiday. The doors are now opne". Soon the whole school was boarding the Clown infested Train. Don was refusing to board it because he still had a clown phobia.

"Come on you big wuss, me and Hippy will sit next to you" Hermoninny said as she tried to pull Don of a lampost. "But They freak me out". Unfortunatly Hermoninny won and dragged Don aboard who covered his eyes everytime he walked past a giggling clown. "I so can't believe it, the end already" Hippy said relaxing onto his seat. A clown came by with the snacks trolley and Don once again hid under his seat.

"Anybody want some clowny Munchies, yummy yummy yum yum" the Clown spazzed.

"No thanks pal" Hippy replied, looking at Don. "Ok then, have a funshine, happy Clowny day" and the clown walked off. When they got off the train, Hippy was greeted by the Dunglyness.

"Have a good year, Gayston?" Vincy Wincya sked sarcasticly. "Yeah" Hippy simply said before turning round to wave Don and Hermoninny goodbye.

"Give those ugly looking relatives hell for us" Don called. "Don't worry, I will" Hippy replied. Growling, Vincy Wincy took Hippy by the scruff of the neck on his jacket and dragged him out of the Trainstation and back into the real world.

The end


End file.
